Responding to difficult questions from a person with dementia

Although every case needs taking individually, some guiding principles to start with include:

  • be compassionate 
  • try to understand and acknowledge the person’s feelings
  • seek to reduce distress and promote wellbeing or happiness.

When a person with dementia thinks you have stolen from them

Let’s take an example of a person who believes you stole their purse, on the assumption that the person’s suspicion is unfounded and they’ve simply mislaid it and forgotten where it is.

Perhaps this has happened before and when you found the lost purse you returned it with a whole truth: ‘I didn’t steal it; I found it in a drawer where you put it’. 

If this approach has caused an argument or distress, it may be better to try something less blunt next time: ‘It looks like it wasn’t stolen after all, it was just hiding upstairs’. If it’s a common accusation, trial-and-error can be useful in finding a suitable approach.

When a person with dementia asks about a deceased love one

If you think the person needs comfort or assurance, then ‘Is there something you wanted to speak with them about?’ might work.

The person with dementia may just want to reminisce about the person, and you could try saying something like, ‘I can tell you really cared for each other – tell me about them’, perhaps reinforced with personal photos, letters, or objects.

Or it may be that the person with dementia is still grieving, in which case gently acknowledging that their partner has died and supporting them to grieve might be best – for example by talking about their relationship and the person’s life.

As is so often the case for a person with dementia, feeling heard may be more important than being given advice.

But if the question here is frequent and the grief severe, then the kindest response is likely to be to acknowledge the person’s feelings and gently move them on to a topic or activity that you know they will enjoy. This is clearly ‘distraction’ but it should still not deny or ignore their feelings.

This article was first published in 2019 and most recently updated in February 2024.