If you’re having trouble sleeping these days, it may not be the summer heat that’s responsible. It might just be the recent return of the nasty gremlins! Sure, we thought we exterminated the cute Mogwai-turned-monsters at the end of Gremlins 2: The New Batch. But if we’ve learned anything about gremlins, it’s that when we least expect them, they’ll hatch from their slimy cocoons and unleash chaos.
Which is what you can expect from the gremlins’ latest star vehicle, Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai, an animated prequel series to the legendary movies, which premiered on Max on May 23. In the new series, we travel back to 1920s Shanghai, where a young Sam Wing (the shop owner in 1984’s Gremlins) first encounters the adorable Gizmo, and begins to understand the hidden dangers of owning a Mogwai. Promisingly, Steven Spielberg is back as an executive producer, alongside filmmaker Tze Chun (Children of Invention), who is also writing. The cast is stacked, with Sandra Oh, Randall Park, Matthew Rhys, Bowen Yang, and George Takei (!) lending their voices.
And of course, the rules we’ve learned (and broken) before resurface. As Sam’s grandpa tells him in the Secrets of the Mogwai trailer, “Never get them wet. No bright light. And never feed them after midnight.” But there is so much more to know about the Mogwai/Gremlins, and so much more wisdom we’ve gathered from previous events (you may want to keep a bright light handy, after all). Here are the new rules to keep in mind while you’re reintroduced to the delights of the Mogwai, and the horror of the gremlins never far behind.
Keep Mogwai sheltered from prying eyes. And do not speak their name.
The first rule of Mogwai should be: You do not talk about Mogwai. The most dangerous thing that can happen to a Mogwai is nothing they do themselves, but rather what happens when they’re cultivated by nefarious figures. Or as grandpa refers to these shady characters in Secrets of the Mogwai, “the wrong hands.” Who are the wrong hands? In Gremlins 2, they were scientists in a high-rise building owned by a weirdo billionaire (in 1990 and now, showy displays of wealth are sus, and well, Reaganomics is a touchy subject for Gizmo).
In the case of Secrets of the Mogwai, the “wrong hands” turns out to be a deep-throated man with toxic waste-colored eyes who attempts to secure Gizmo for his own purposes, which cannot possibly be good. This is just to point out: If Gizmo lived in sparsely populated suburbs, with a large private yard fenced and surrounded by tall hedges, the little goober might not run into such trouble! Just make sure those hedges are tasteful, not ostentatious.
Do not leave automobiles or other machinery unaccompanied
Let’s be honest, even in a competent human’s hands, cars are sleekly disguised death traps. And gremlins, man, cannot get enough of cars. A Mogwai plopped into a pink mini-convertible might seem like a perfect photo op. But it’s a slippery slope on the way to gremlins hijacking a bulldozer and blasting through drywall (see: the first Gremlins). Likewise, keep other heavy machinery, and even light tools that can be violently repurposed like the dental drill from Gremlins 2, under lock and key.
Feed your Mogwai wholesomely. No junk food!
Your Mogwai is what it eats, as we’ve learned from the feature films. Candy like Earl’s candy bar and other junky, empty-calorie snacks such as popcorn form the diet of the treacherous gremlins. To keep your Mogwai on the righteous path, feed it healthful but tasty snack food: crudités (raw carrots, celery, cauliflower) with hummus and baba ganoush are all smart ideas.
Drinking and other libertine behavior should be forbidden
Sobriety is not for everyone, but it appears to be the only functional way to live for Mogwai. Based on the gremlins’ excessive drinking and heedless partying in the two films, we cannot expect the species to moderate when it comes to any mind-altering substances. All they need is one mug of beer, and they’ll be hanging from the ceiling fan and smashing things. Weed, depressants, and stimulants (even caffeine!) must be off-limits (we can only imagine what fiendish destruction they’d get into with an amphetamine prescription).
Hats, cosmetics, and other accessories are gremlin triggers
It’s no accident that the terrifying, unrelentingly savage female gremlin known as Greta, who manages to survive The New Batch, smears her face with an obscene amount of red lipstick. Gremlins love unnecessary adornment. From goofy hats to 3D glasses, these accessories seem to drive their worst instincts. And whatever you do, do not style them with any “alternative” haircuts, lest you get a spider-legged Mohawk situation on your hands.
No heavy music or sticks
If you play any music around Mogwai, be sure it’s easy listening. Smooth jazz might help placate them. Gremlins on a tear, on the other hand, tend to enjoy music with aggressive rhythms or screeching guitar. Do not even let them have sticks, including chopsticks, which they can use as makeshift drumsticks or weapons against their human overlords.
Cage them around Christmas
You want to be able to trust your Mogwai, and let the creature run free (with boundaries), per its mystical nature. Still, you must take certain precautions. We know from the original Gremlins that while Christmas might seem like a charming occasion to gather with your family and loved ones, pets included, it is a very dicey time of year for precious Mogwai, and is likely not regarded as a holiday among the species (though it’s hard to say for sure, since they don’t have any spoken language humans can discern). For their safety and yours, during the winter season celebrations, keep them in a (nice, spacious!) kennel with a blanket, where they can slumber until it’s safe again.
Listen to your dog
Dogs have instincts we lack. They’re attuned to certain subtleties in the strange forces of Mother Nature. And we would do well to heed their call. The family dog in Gremlins immediately barked at Gizmo and, despite the Mogwai’s tiny physicality, approached the new pet warily. That dog innately understood the wickedness that a Mogwai’s cuteness conceals. Be a better friend to man’s best friend and ask them what’s up!
Take your Mogwai back to its magical homeland, if you can find it
This is easier said than done, as young Sam and his family find when they try to safely return Gizmo to the Mogwai wilds of China in Secrets of the Mogwai, with little direction from the gibberish-speaking Gizmo. The Mogwai are not naturally urban-oriented creatures; it looks like they originate from a magical, forested, and very hard-to-find area that wouldn’t be out of place in a Hayao Miyazaki film. If only you could spirit them away there. But take note of Gizmo’s expressions as you roam, and if you come across a fish dragon leaping from the water, you’re getting close.
Keep a spotlight on hand in case of emergency
The old “no bright light” rule is easily misconstrued. Yes, it harms the sweet, innocent Mogwai like Gizmo. But harsh light also combats the Mogwai’s heinous next life cycle. Do not expose well-behaved Mogwai to the shining sun or intense lamps. But what you should retain in your arsenal, well-hidden but accessible in a garage or shed: a spotlight bright enough to incinerate, or at least repel, any gremlin. This handheld spotlight, with power to shine at 1,000 lumens for several hours, should do the job. Even a quality SAD lamp could be a critical shield.
Microwave when absolutely necessary
Electricity, along with light, is king to fighting the gremlins when more peaceful moves are insufficient. A torrent of water, when electrified, zapped to death most (but alas, not all) of the gremlins in The New Batch. If all else fails? The most iconic gremlin death scene may prove the most trusty method: throw that sucker into a microwave and commence the splattering.
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